Monday, March 12, 2007

Insert Witty Title Here

It’s review time at work and while I’ve known what my raise and bonus would be for a few days, I haven’t seen the actual review itself until this morning. Full of buzz words. Actually, full is a stretch. For some reason, I get remarks when my reports are brief, but this review is more like a short list! “Pro-active”….I need to be more “pro-active”…and some of it might be warranted (because let’s face it, who wants to stir up "trouble"? Or perhaps the better buzz word there might be “issues”) but, I don’t see where I do anything differently than any of the other guys I work with.

So I screw up my courage (because I don’t like confrontation unless I’m sure I’m 100% correct) and go to talk to my boss. Can that man tap-dance or what? He should teach classes on how to say something with out actually saying something. He’s ‘in my corner’, and ‘so is dotted line boss type’ and my personal favorite: ‘vent – that’s what I’m here for’. As far as I can tell, the bottom line is something like “You stay on top of things and you are the star!” Ummm ok, so basically I need to be working at an above average level to be promoted to where everyone else is (as far as I can tell) average?

Sigh. And here’s where it gets all wound up inside. Once upon a time, I really did want to be an executive vice president. There was enough room at the top of the organization chart of the company I was with at the time to even see how it could happen. Then, I had C, and well, my priorities shifted. I had to decide – EVP or her? How could I not choose her? And I thought I was doing ok with my decision (less travel, a less demanding job in the same field with more pay) but every so often something like this happens and I get all COMPETITIVE.

And yes, I could say “screw you company, if you don’t appreciate me I’ll find someone who does”. Except, that would mean moving somewhere else. And I don’t want to uproot again if we absolutely don’t have to. And other than this, because even the miniscule salary increase and bonus are still enough for us to maintain our lavish lifestyle (that last part’s a bit sarcastic, k?) the company is actually very good about time off for doing things at C’s school, etc. I can’t complain about that. So while the grass may be greener, being fat dumb and lazy is wonderful for my 401(k)…

Then (because really, did you expect it to be an either/or situation? This is me – must overanalyze everything. To death.), I start thinking, someday C’s going to be in the business world and hopefully things will be different, as long as I keep making some noise about things…..

Some days I wish I could just be a pirate. Drink rum and sail the Caribbean. It’s got to be better than insurance.

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Blogger Mrs Big Dubya said...

I feel like I just read my own story.....

I got a good review and a decent bonus, but I get the old eye roll when I say the words "sick child"

I, like you, was on the fast track pre-children. But again, like you, once I had the 'lil man I decided that I only get one chance to do right by him and I although I get frustrated I made the right compromises and so did you.

C will grow up knowing that you put her first and knowing that she was that important to you will give her a confidence and self-worth that is priceless.

13 March, 2007 08:16  
Blogger Sue said...

Thanks Mrs. Big Dubya...

13 March, 2007 09:08  
Blogger Elle*Bee said...

Arrrrrrr, matey! I'm so with you about the pirate thing. I quit working when Son #3 was born. Fast foward 5 years. He starts kindergarten in the fall, and I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up! Dear Hubby struggles with the same thing you are, though (he's also in the insurance industry - just found out today that he didn't get the job w/in the co. that he was asked to apply for. go figure!). His schedule is flexible which is great for the kids, but he too struggles with how much ambition is healthy. No easy answers...

13 March, 2007 16:20  
Blogger Sue said...

Elle, I never thought I'd be an underwriter when I grew up, so hopefully there's still time!

Maybe we should start an all girl pirate gang!

It's better than going off on a tangent about how we (as a country) need to do better about supporting a realistic work/life balance.

13 March, 2007 20:23  

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