Who loves ya?

I was moved to tears recently by a couple posts in some blogs I read. It wasn't that the authors were writing about something sad or hurting, it was that they were discussing something that I can't do anymore. I can't call my mom and ask for help.

She died two years ago the end of this month, totally unexpectedly. My dad was supposed to go first. Go ahead, ask him. He'll tell you the same thing. See, both mom and dad smoked cigarettes since they were teenagers. And at different times, we all begged her to quit, especially after my dad got hypnotized and quit smoking. But she couldn't quit, for whatever reason. And one March night, she went to bed and never woke up.

Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. I still dial the same phone number, except she never answers the phone. Dad (or his answering machine) does. I still drive into their driveway and expect to see her sitting outside on the porch (smoking a cigarette).

The hardest part for me, the realization that always makes me cry, is that she's not getting to see C grow up. She's missed almost half of C's life already. And C doesn't remember her, not really. I put a picture of her reading to C in C's room, but I can tell C doesn't remember.

And while she was a great mom, she was an even better grandma. She would get down in the driveway and draw with chalk with my neices, she would draw faces on her toes ("toe people") and make them "work" in the McDonald's play set, and she would always read the same story over and over...That last Christmas, she got three pre-made gingerbread houses and had C and my two nieces over to decorate them.

And what really sticks out in my mind? I remember when C was born, it was close to midnight on a Thursday. So they kicked us out of the hospital Saturday afternoon. Mom and Dad came down to visit us (we were living in Danbury at the time) on Monday, and I just remember that on Tuesday night the baby blues hit. I called her, and when she said hello I burst into tears. She immediately asked if I wanted her to come back, what could she do, etc etc. Just knowing she was there for me made me feel better.

I wish I could have her back just for one day to tell her how much I appreciate everything she's done for me. Even back when I was being a completely ungrateful teenage brat.